I Watched

I watched stunned in silent horror
the damnation of the hateful eyes around me
Cursing the offense of white skin touching brown
Fear of notice turned my own eyes away

I watched astonished in stifled disgust
the condemnation of vicious whispers around me
Cursing the offense of His hand reaching for His hand
Fear of notice deafened my ears

I sat mute, thunderstruck with terror
When their hateful eyes turned toward me
When their vicious voices were raised to me
And the good people
turned away
and heard
silence

So Here’s How Lunch Went

After a long, and fruitless discussion he didn’t show up for lunch.  I waited, a full hour and 15 minutes, and had to go back to my desk with his lunch in my hands fuming.

We talked this morning about how he doesn’t want to change.  How three years ago I was a much wilder person and my trying to settle down some, be a better citizen, is because I’m old and since he’s not it’s just too damn bad.  He wants to drug, chill, disrespect and be babied like he’s two years old.  Rub my head.  Get me a towel.  Leave me some money.  Lalalalalala.  To hell with him.

I just want to be left alone by him at this point – I want him to just pack up and go on his way.  There really is nothing left inside of me that desires, in the least little way, to spend my life with him.  He complains about how miserable he is ain our home and with me.  Okay, so get the fuck out already.  You are NOT doing me any favor when you come home and put on your show.  You are NOT making my life better by draining me physically, emotionally and financially.  You are NOT in any way, shape or form making our home comfortable with your destructive, filthy habits.  You are NOT making the dog happy by terrorizing him night and day (that is when you aren’t leaving him locked up somewhere).  All you ARE doing is staying there, destroying, wasting both our lives just so you can be with your BOYS. 

I want this over and done, and I want to move on, but I can’t break through the mental illness bullshyt traps he’s laid all over my life. 

Today he reminded me how his mental breakdown occurred when I lost (which he calls abort) a baby I was carrying.  Technically I had it taken out but it had already expired and the whole living with something not living still inside me was making me crazy.  He left after that – walked out without a word or without warning – and stayed away for six months until he decided he needed someone to be an audience.  To give him without getting in return.  I should have turned him away then.  I truly wish I had.  Now, he throws that loss in my face in an effort to blame me for all that’s gone wrong since.

Now, amidst the rubble that is my life, I look back and see that the mistake was mine.  I fell for it because I didn’t realize that people can truly be without a conscience, without a drop of empathy, without love.  I didn’t realize that I needed so much to feel as though I could have saved Ray that I let this one enter my life in his place.  I realize now – too late – and pay the price with each painful moment that I am living.

I should have run.

Good Morning?

He didn’t come home last night.  I suppose I’m being punished again – he’s done this before.  Either that or he wound up getting arrested again for pot. 

I can’t call his family, I promised I would not do that again and since I know that this is very likely a ploy of his, or that he’s doing something he shouldn’t, I don’t want to upset his already ill mother any more than necessary.

I am looking at the pup now and he had a really good night’s rest – he needed it.  His little tag is wagging and he looks all smooshy, unlike the terrorized animal in the corner last night.  I’m glad for him.

My lil girl called from AIT (Tech training in the Army) last night.  We talked without my telling her what’s really going on – just that he was out with his boys doing what he wanted and since he does NOT want to be forced to disclose how he spends his time, I didn’t know if and when he’d be back.  She wants me to lose him.  She worries though that I’ll go through another depression like the last time when he just disappeared for months without a word – but, little does she know, I am no longer in that place with him where my sun rises and sets on his life.  He destroyed that by trying to terrorize me into submission.  Once I assured her that I would be fine, we were able to talk to each other – I so so so miss that.  She’s been my running buddy for a long time now having gone through so much together. 

I haven’t spoken to my son in months and I feel horrible.  I just hate calling and lying to him about the b/f, my health, lalalala.  But, I have to find a way to do that since it is eating at both he and I that we haven’t been very close over the past couple of years.  It’s just my insecurity about the kind of mother I’ve been.  I so look up to him that it makes me feel small.  I was so young when I had him and made so many mistakes that I am wracked with guilt no matter how many times he tries to reassure me.  I let his father hit him, I was hit in front of him, he really went through alot because of my immaturity and fear and now, that immaturity and fear still prevails in our relationship.  Once the burden in my life ceases to consume I know I have a lot of bridge building to do with my son.

Well anywayz, enough of that.  I have to start getting ready so I can try to clean up the house where the “king” has had his way – leaving destruction behind as always.

Until later – peace.