He didn’t come home last night. I suppose I’m being punished again – he’s done this before. Either that or he wound up getting arrested again for pot.
I can’t call his family, I promised I would not do that again and since I know that this is very likely a ploy of his, or that he’s doing something he shouldn’t, I don’t want to upset his already ill mother any more than necessary.
I am looking at the pup now and he had a really good night’s rest – he needed it. His little tag is wagging and he looks all smooshy, unlike the terrorized animal in the corner last night. I’m glad for him.
My lil girl called from AIT (Tech training in the Army) last night. We talked without my telling her what’s really going on – just that he was out with his boys doing what he wanted and since he does NOT want to be forced to disclose how he spends his time, I didn’t know if and when he’d be back. She wants me to lose him. She worries though that I’ll go through another depression like the last time when he just disappeared for months without a word – but, little does she know, I am no longer in that place with him where my sun rises and sets on his life. He destroyed that by trying to terrorize me into submission. Once I assured her that I would be fine, we were able to talk to each other – I so so so miss that. She’s been my running buddy for a long time now having gone through so much together.
I haven’t spoken to my son in months and I feel horrible. I just hate calling and lying to him about the b/f, my health, lalalala. But, I have to find a way to do that since it is eating at both he and I that we haven’t been very close over the past couple of years. It’s just my insecurity about the kind of mother I’ve been. I so look up to him that it makes me feel small. I was so young when I had him and made so many mistakes that I am wracked with guilt no matter how many times he tries to reassure me. I let his father hit him, I was hit in front of him, he really went through alot because of my immaturity and fear and now, that immaturity and fear still prevails in our relationship. Once the burden in my life ceases to consume I know I have a lot of bridge building to do with my son.
Well anywayz, enough of that. I have to start getting ready so I can try to clean up the house where the “king” has had his way – leaving destruction behind as always.
Until later – peace.
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